Dear Jackson
by donnapie
Summary: When April confesses to Jackson, he rejects her and runs away. 3 yrs after Jackson receives an unexpected email from April which she wrote 3 years before and which he was meant to receive 3 yrs after. Could this be the 2nd chance that they need? Set post 9x24, The Perfect Storm, Canon fr S8-9, AU after. M in later chapters. (Inspired by the movie Starting Over Again)
1. Chapter 1

**Sent from: LetterMeLater**

**To: Jackson Avery (avery_j at gmail dot com )**

**From: April Kepner (blessedapril at yahoo dot com )**

**Subject: The Right Time**

**Date written: April 13, 2011**

**Date to be sent: April 13, 2014**

_Dearest Jackson..._

_I have a confession to make._

_The first time I saw you, I told myself that I should avoid you._

_That moment when I first laid eyes on your piercing eyes and heart fluttering smile, I just had that gut feel that you would cause me to sin and so I evaded being near you._

_But despite the fact that I convinced myself that I had the strength to hold on to that resolve, I also have to admit that even then, I was already drawn to you._

_You had something special in you._

_More than the Avery surname or your gorgeous good looks or the fact that even then you already showed promise of someday being a brilliant surgeon, it was your kindness that I just find so hard to resist._

_You were by far the only man I've ever known who made me feel as if I was worth something more._

_Days… weeks… months… years passed and I don't know if it was because we were constantly thrown together in the most unusual of circumstances during our first years as interns but I slowly felt myself opening up to you._

_We built the weirdest of friendships but it was also one of the most dependable._

_Perhaps, your spirit is just far stronger than my prayers that no matter how much I try to convince myself that we're better off as friends, San Francisco still happened and it was an experience that filled me with guilt but also with feelings that are the most unexplainable._

_I never thought that life could be that exciting. _

_Even when there were a lot of times that I am consumed with regret that I cannot keep my promise to Jesus about being a virgin and all, there were more times when I am filled with thoughts of how much I love being with you._

_I love every bit about you._

_More than the sex, I love how every time we are physically together, it made me feel as if we had a chance and that a small town girl like me from Moline can be loved by someone like you. _

_I started imagining a life that we'd build together and the family that we'd have because when we thought we were pregnant, you made me feel that that was possible._

_But then you just gave up._

_Maybe, it was because I was neurotic and tactless and because I was new at this whole dating and intimacy thing that I failed at expressing to you how much I love you._

_But even then… even when you had Stephanie and I thought that I have moved on with Matthew, at the back of my mind, I always nurtured the thought that in the end it will still be Me and You._

_It took almost losing you in that bus explosion before I realized that in this whole wide world, there is nobody else that I'd want or need or love more than I love you._

_So what happened, Jackson?_

_I don't know why or when or where it started or how._

_What happened to us?_

_Why did you leave?_

_Why did you have to run away after I bared my heart and soul to you?_

_I thought that after that night when you threw my feelings back at my face in that hospital room, you'd just sleep through the night and like me, you'd just suddenly wake up and have an epiphany in the morning that we were meant to be._

_But that didn't happen._

_Because the next morning you were gone._

_It's been a month that I've been searching for you._

_That I've been calling your disconnected number and begging Alex or your mom and even Stephanie whom I heard you broke up with just to tell me if they know where you were._

_I would take it back if I could, Jackson._

_I would will myself not to want you or love you if that's what it would take for you to come back._

_So today, I resolve to stop bothering you._

_I would stop talking about feelings and what I want or what we could be because if it's space and time that you need, I'd give you all that and more if that's what you'd ask for._

_That's why I'm sending you this email 3 years from this day._

_By the time you receive this, I hope that you have done everything that you wanted to._

_You would have already met a lot of people, gone to a lot of places and probably thought about what it is that you need. _

_I hope that three years is enough time for you to be sure that maybe, just maybe I am really the girl whom you'd want to spend the rest of forever with._

_I will endure, Jackson._

_I will bear the longing and the pain and the loneliness with only the hope that one day, I'd be back in your life again._

_I will do everything it takes to correct the mistakes that we've made._

_I will never lose hope._

_That eventually we will have our second chance._

_It may not be today but someday… _

_Someday we'd be back in each other's life and I'm not taking no for an answer again._

_Always._

_April_

* * *

Jackson doesn't know how long he's been sitting in front of his computer staring at that unexpected email.

It must have been hours but he did not notice the time passing at all.

All he can think about and feel are unexpected waves of regret of what was then and what could have been if only he had been true to his feelings.

It was exactly three years and one month on this day after that big storm hit when April told him she wanted him.

Three years and one month after she begged him to give her a reason not to marry the man whom by all means seem perfect for her and whom he had convinced himself is exactly what she needed.

It's been three years and one month.

Three years and one month since he ran away like a coward because he cannot bear the thought of hoping that they can build something lasting only to get his heart crushed and broken once again.

There were far too many times in the course of that three years when he had convinced himself that he had made the right choice of going away because time healed his wounds and that he was over her.

Times when he performed surgery in an Avery owned hospital that is the farthest he can get away from Seattle only to remember twinkling eyes peeking at him from above a pristine white surgical mask because she can't help but boast to him of the fact that she is a soldier.

Nights when he wakes up wracked by nightmares not anymore of Charles nor Reed dying but by the haunting thought of flaming red hair spread out all over a pillow that was not his or of pale alabaster skin now belonging to another.

It's been three years and one month but seeing April's email made him feel as if there was not any time that passed at all.

She still has the power to twist his heart and turn his stomach into knots.

So much time has passed and yet he's suddenly back to that hopeful, bumbling doctor who fell head over heels for his slightly crazy best friend by just seeing the words that she's written years ago which she may have also only probably written at that time because she's at the height of her emotions.

But that doesn't stop him from thinking that maybe this was their second chance.

Maybe it was divine intervention or maybe it was Mark Sloan helping him from beyond the grave.

Because after all this time, seeing April's email made him realize that this was what Mark meant about telling someone you love them.

And he's ready now.

Even if it will burn his life to the ground, he's ready to take a chance with the girl he loves the most and who seem to love him the same way back.

It's time to return to Grey Sloan.

It's time to return for her.

Because if he was really honest?

He knew in his heart that no matter where life takes him, he'd always come back to her.


	2. Chapter 2

Tugging at the neck of his scrub top, Jackson shifted nervously as Owen rambled on beside him while taking him on a tour around the hospital.

So much has changed.

There were so many new faces, new equipment, unknown places and yet fact remains that Grey Sloan is still his old haunting ground.

This is the place where he learnt everything there is to learn about medicine. The institution where he performed his first surgery, met his mentor and fell in love with the girl who is all he can think about on his first day back at their family owned hospital.

She was here.

Somewhere in Grey Sloan Memorial, April is here.

They are in the same building.

They are breathing the same air and probably only a couple of feet away from each other and just that thought is enough to make his stomach flip flop.

They say that everything has a purpose and truth be known, he's curious.

He's curious about what she's been up to and what she looks like after years of separation and of not seeing each other.

Was she as surprised upon learning of his return as his mother was when he told her that he wanted to go back to Grey Sloan and that he wants to be a part of the project of building the new trauma center which April is working on?

Did she also see through that flimsy excuse of a reason of him just wanting to be near her the same way that Alex did the moment that the suggestion even passed through his lips?

As Owen and him neared April's office for their meeting, Jackson can feel his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

His palms were sweaty, his lips were dry and his nerves are starting to get the better of him.

What would she say?

How would she react?

Will she want to jump him the same way that he wants to because he's sure that if he can't keep his hands off her before, it would be more of an effort now.

He heard her voice rather than saw her first when Owen opened the door.

She was talking to someone in that same lyrical, soothing voice that lulled him to sleep so many times in the past and he can't help but give out a nostalgic, little smile that she is still the April that he loves.

_His April._

So, there was nothing that prepared him for how the wind was knocked off his sails the moment that he first laid eyes on her when she turned around to face him.

If before she was all naïve and innocent beauty, she is now the epitome of sophistication and glamour.

Gone was the bare faced, braided girl that he used to make love to clandestinely in empty on call rooms but instead he was faced with a mature, drop dead gorgeous woman.

She had her hair in some kind of a bun and she was wearing eyeliner and a shade of lipstick that was so red, it took all of his willpower not to wipe it off her mouth with his lips right then and there.

Underneath her doctors coat she was wearing a smart white chiffon blouse tucked into a black pencil cut skirt that hugged her every curve to perfection.

She was blindingly stunning.

And he knew he looked like an idiot standing in front of her, at a loss for words with only his mouth opening and closing.

"How've you been?".

She said softly as she extended her hands to him.

She had a slight tilt to her head as she smiled at him but there was no trace at all in her gaze of the same fluttery feelings in his heart that he's now feeling.

"H-hi".

He stammered as he took her hands in his.

She gripped his hands for a second, a semblance of formality shown as a courtesy towards him perhaps but it still took him awhile before he can let go.

He noticed her eyebrows raise slightly at that but she was still all grace and composure.

"Have a seat."

She gestured for him and Owen to take their place at the chairs across her table.

An opportunity which he also grabbed on to to let his eyes wander around her room if only to get a clue of what he had missed during the time that he was absent from her life.

There were certificates hanging on the wall and photos of her with her family and also with a team of interns whom not one he can recognize at all.

"So you took a teaching job in Case Reserve?"

He said out loud to her.

She paused for awhile as if slightly puzzled how he knew but when she saw him staring at her wall, she gave a little shrug before answering him nonchalantly.

"It was a short stint. Just 6 months. They just invited me over for a special course".

He gave a slight nod.

There was an awkward pause but he felt the thirst to know as much as he can about her to make up for lost time and so he plodded on.

"You also took a certification at Hopkins?"

She raised her gaze to look directly at him and he doesn't know if he was mistaken but he can vow that he saw a slight look of annoyance cross over her face which sort of reminded him of how the old April can be fearlessly feisty around hard headed or nosy patients.

"Yeah. Your mother recommended me."

He doesn't know which surprised him more.

The fact that she finally gained the confidence to try out all these things that she previously made herself believe that she can't or was not good enough to do or the fact that she has kept close ties with his mother after all these years.

Owen breaks the moment by clearing his throat.

He was obviously not comfortable with all the tension going on between them and so he goes back to business.

"So this trauma center… We're almost halfway through the planning stage Dr. Avery and once the plans have been finalized, we will proceed with construction. April here is in charge of going through all the architectural design as well as selecting the best interns to be a part of the center. She's basically in charge".

He gave a small laugh as he said jokingly.

"You should be thankful to Dr. Kepner, Dr. Avery. Most surgeons would balk at the thought of the board putting in more red tape by being involved in a project so late in the game but she welcomed your participation and return with open arms and without any sort of protest".

Jackson grinned at that.

He leaned back in his seat in confidence that she still meant every word she said in her letter and that's why she agreed to having them work together.

"It's a good thing you agreed".

He drawled sexily.

That made her raise her head up from looking at the papers that she was checking out and he immediately straightened up when he saw how she was smiling but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"I can't see why I wouldn't?"

She replied casually.

As if she couldn't care less if he was there or not.

"I actually just want this to be finished in 6 months according to the timetable. Zach and I are taking a year off after the wedding and we just want the center to be operational and in good hands before that happens".

She returned her gaze to the papers before her, shuffling them slightly and multi-tasking as if her time is so precious that she cannot spare a minute more just focusing solely on their conversation.

"Ummm… Wait up."

Jackson looked in confusion from Owen to April.

A frown furrowing his brow as he literally felt waves of dread wash over him at the unfamiliar name of another man and the word "wedding".

"Zach? Who's Zach? And what Wedding?"

Like a fool, he echoed her words.

And from the corner of his eyes, he saw Owen avoiding his gaze before replying.

_Could it be..._

"Oh… I forgot to tell you, Dr. Kepner is working hand in hand with another Trauma surgeon, Dr. Zach Martin for the center".

He was clearly uncomfortable with the direction that the conversation was taking and in true Owen sense he looked as if he would rather be anywhere else than here at this very moment.

"He also happens to be April fiancée. He's just in Cedars Sinai right now on a fellowship program, but when he gets back he'll be very much involved in the project as the Center is their baby".

Jackson laughed sarcastically.

It may have been the fact that reality has knocked him twice over or the fact that Owen has strung April's name, that man's name and the word baby altogether that pushed him to the edge.

He doesn't know what came over him but all the expectations that he had coming here was suddenly crushed and the pain in his heart was so intense that his instincts automatically kicked in by lashing out and by reacting like a douche bag.

"Well, I hope that this time it sticks and it's not just Matthew part 2!"

He fixed steely blue eyes at April.

As if he was challenging her to stop hiding behind what he feels is just a pretense of a relationship because he wishes that once again she would stand up and tell him that it's him she needs.

He watched her as she struggled to take a sharp intake of breath at his hurtful comment that was way below the belt and which he wished he could take back

But he couldn't.

She shouldn't have sent that email.

He should have never read it nor received it because he believed her words and here they are three years later and they are just right back where they started.

"Well, rest assured that he's not".

April looked as if she was using every bit of her willpower not to punch him.

"Matthew was a rebound. Zach is someone who _I want"._

She said quietly before fixing her eyes on him ...

"And guess what Jackson? He _wants_ me back."

She put emphasis on her words as if she fears that the meaning would be lost on him.

And suddenly Jackson felt all the fight going out of him.

It took only that last sentence to make him realize that he was at fault.

Whatever he's feeling right now or however crappy this moment is making him feel, it was all him.

His fault.

He should have told her how he felt about her at that time.

He should have fought over his fear of their love not being the right thing or of their feelings causing more problems.

He should have said it out loud and went from there.

He should have realized it then and not just now.

Now, when she seems to have _Really_ moved on from him and when email or no email, it seemed to be that he had no place anymore in her life


	3. Chapter 3

Nursing a bottle of beer in his hand, Jackson swiveled his chair away from his laptop to take a look at the breathtaking night view of the Seattle skyline from his apartment.

He needs a break.

He's been reading and re-reading April's letter for the 100th time it seems ever since he got home and he needs to stop torturing himself even more after their encounter.

He's been poring over every letter.

Making sense out of every sentence.

He's been dissecting every thought and every ounce of emotion that she seemed to have poured on unto that email and he still can't believe that it was written by the same girl whom he saw this morning.

How can so much have changed?

_How could she have changed?_

Perhaps Alex is right in telling him that past is past and that he should stop holding on to what was and that maybe that email was not a sign that April and him should really be together but rather the closure that he needs that at least someday, somewhere, April felt for him as much as he fell for her.

Maybe Alex is right that he should just delete the email and forgot that it ever existed.

But then Alex also told him that he's just being sentimental because he needs to get laid.

Truth be told, he wanted to delete the email but he just can't bring himself to.

It was as if there was a compelling life force from the words that he's been reading that is making him hold on to that tiny bit of hope that in the end, everything will work out for them the way that he had always imagined.

And he can't help but remember…

_"Don't… Whatever it is that's bugging you, just keep it to yourself. Alright?" _

_He was battered and bruised and in pain but the feeling of anger that threatened to consume him was far worse than his bodily aches as he watched April close the curtains from his hospital bed. _

_"I want you". _

_Her words cut into him like a knife. _

_It was unexpected and surreal and he can't believe that after all this time, she'd choose that moment to tell him what he's been wanting to hear from her ever since the beginning. _

_"Jackson." _

_She uttered his name like a prayer. _

_Like all her hopes and dreams and feelings were laid bare for him to see in those three words and despite the fact that he thought to himself how she's just saying those things because she was overwhelmed with emotions, there was a part of him that was urging him to just gather her in his arms and tell him that he also feels the same. _

_"April". _

___"I haven't been fair to you I know and I've—I've really hurt you". _

_But it was his fear. _

_His fear that got in the way as he scowled at her and looked at her sternly. _

_"But you're getting married."_

_He cut her off before she can say anymore. _

_Before she can make him change his mind and forget how he felt such breathtaking sorrow when Matthew proposed to her in front of him that afternoon and which he masked with a smile probably to convince himself that he was relieved that finally they could all just move on. _

_"When… when that bus exploded and I thought you were gone-" _

_"You're. getting. Married." _

_He emphasized every word. _

_He was not even sure if he was reminding her or himself because otherwise, he'd just crumble and fall apart. _

_"Unless you can give me a reason not to"._

And it was her eyes.

Her expectant, hopeful eyes which quickly turned into disappointment at his rejection that he remembers now at this very moment.

What right does he have to expect that she'd just be sitting around waiting for him?

Why would she wait when it was him who turned her down and ran away?

He's always made himself believe that he was the victim.

That she used him and disregarded him and then pushed him away.

But looking back, he realized that he also never made the effort to understand her.

To learn about her values and her religion and how it is important to her and that it came part and parcel of who she is.

So much time.

So much time lost because he let his pride got in the way.

And now she has someone else.

Someone who she's dating not because she wants to forget that he's sleeping with an intern but someone that she chose because she wanted him.

Just like how she wanted him before.

He's so stupid.

So fucking stupid to believe that she would put her life on hold for three years waiting for him, when he didn't even let her know where he is or ask how she's been doing or gave her a phone call nor send an email.

He just dropped out of her life.

Like a coward with his tail between his legs he willed himself to stay away from her because there is nothing more important to him than self preservation and his goddamn stupid pride.

What right does he have to be scared of her rejection when that was the exact same thing that he did to her the last time they met?

He's so tired.

So tired of hiding his emotions and of this long standing unrequited love that's threatening to ruin his life.

Is it really time to move on?

To really erase her email and in turn, erase her from his life?

Maybe it's time to let her go.

So he turned around to face his laptop again and do just that.

But as Jacksons finger hovered over the delete button, the words from April's email seem to jump out at him.

_I will never lose hope._

_I'm not taking no for an answer again._

And he paused for awhile.

Because those words made the spark in his heart burn into flames,

And he smiled because he realized that he can't.

He could never.

He couldn't and would not ever, _ever_ give her up again.


	4. Chapter 4

April sat restlessly in front of her computer.

She has tons of cases that she had to go through but not a word was sinking into her tired, distracted brain.

Jesus give her the strength to forget one Jackson Avery.

Not that she was thinking about him because she feels for him the same (Heaven forbid, no!), but rather because seeing him again has brought back old memories and emotions that she'd rather remain buried and which she had long ago ordered herself to forget.

She has her life perfectly together now.

There was no more drama, no more uncertainty, no more guilty feelings but just mundane, everyday, trivial tasks and events which work perfectly fine for her.

She doesn't want to go back to the time after Jackson has left when it was as if someone aimed a remote at her life and put it on pause where everything was on hold.

She doesn't want to go back to the tears.

The heartbreak.

The waiting.

Oh god, the waiting.

That was the most unbearable part most of all.

Those times when she looks up every time the doors of the hospital would open in the hopes that he'd come striding in through its doors wearing his grumpy face or of nights when she'd lay down beside the phone waiting for his call and feeling angry when it finally rings and it was not him at the other end of the line at all.

She just could not believe that he would leave her like that.

She tried to convince herself that he was just away somewhere licking his wounds and that in time he'd come back and they'd talk about everything that had happened between them like two matured individuals.

But it never happened.

And after one year… after one miserable year of sleepless nights and heart wrenching pain, she finally thought that Jackson not coming back is also Jesus way of telling her that he was never into her as much as she was and that it was time to move on.

And so she did.

And along the course of it, she moved on from her old self too.

Not drastically of course, because deep down in her heart she knows that she'd always be that country girl from Moline, but enough, for her to try new things and to gain wings and to not let a man or anyone else for that matter, validate her worth.

And that was when she met Zach.

When Zach first started out in Grey Sloan, she never even imagined that they would be something more.

She was not looking for anyone nor did she believe that she can be in a healthy, normal relationship again,

But they became friends and things just sort of progressed from there.

He was safe and dependable and respects her beliefs and he was confident enough in himself that she can't help but open herself up to him.

Their relationship was ordinary.

Perhaps even a tad boring but he loves her and she loves him back.

_Yeah. _

_She loves him._

April was distracted from her thoughts by the Skype button blinking on her laptop.

She lets out a small smile at Zach's name showing up on her screen accompanied by the picture of the two of them together taken when he was back in Seattle last New Year's Eve.

"Hey, babe".

She said as his familiar, good looking face showed up on her screen.

He looked tired and haggard and judging from his background he was still at the hospital but the moment that he saw her, his eyes lit up and he smiled that wide, bedimpled smile that she knows so well.

"Hey, babe. Watcha doin?"

He drawled in that sexy Southern accent that made April think of Ohio and of everything that's familiar.

"Ummm… nothing. Just looking over cases and sifting through tons of work as usual."

She rolled her eyes and squished her nose and Zach lets out a chuckle.

Even now when they've been together for a year, April still feels overwhelmed by how gorgeous he is.

But unlike before when she could not even imagine that such a man would fall for her, now, she doesn't even question the fact of how such a man with God-given blessed looks like him could fall in love with a plain, mousy, All American girl like her.

He looks more like a GQ model than a doctor.

He's got dirty blond hair and piercing blue eyes and as Cristina said when she first laid eyes on him on his first day at the hospital, he's the type of guy that girls would love to climb like Everest and then ride all the way home.

Not that she's done any climbing.

Or riding for that matter.

Not because she was not attracted to him or because she doesn't want to but rather because ever since Jackson, she has made good on her promise to re-virginize.

"So did Jackson really make an appearance?"

He asked her with a naughty smile, a curious expression on his face.

Zach knows everything there is to know about Jackson and her.

Hiding the past was a mistake that April has committed with her relationship with Matthew and she learnt enough from that experience so as not to create the same mistakes again.

"Yeah. He did."

She said softly.

Her thoughts troubled by memories of his sultry gaze and of his warm brown hands holding hers tightly as she remembered the frisson of electricity that ran through her when their skin touched together in that handshake.

"Oh Shoot. And here I was hoping that he would just stay hidden the way he was."

Zach said the words in a joking manner but there was something about the way he said it which made April think that he also meant it as half truth.

She knitted her brows in worry.

Her voice turning serious as she tried to reassure him.

"Hey…"

She said lovingly.

" Hey… if you're not comfortable with this, let me know. I can ask Owen to take over since we have laid out the primary foundation for the center anyway. We can just work on it together from behind the scenes."

He stared at her from behind the screen gently.

His face softening up as he took his fill of the girl that he feels lucky to have before he's back to his normal, bubbly self when he asks her mock sternly.

"Why? Do I have anything to worry about?"

April lets out a sigh of relief at how Zach seems to be taking the situation lightly.

"Of course not!"

She said with exasperation.

Realizing belatedly that unlike his normal self, Zach seemed to be seriously unsure underneath his playful façade.

"Are you—Are you jealous?"

April lets out a mischievous smile as she pressed her face closely to the laptop camera.

Her amusement showing at how her normally confident boyfriend seems to be showing the tiniest bit of insecurity, now that competition is around.

"Ummm… slightly."

He pressed his thumb and forefinger centimeters apart which made April laugh.

"After all… he is your ex. But that's all that he is, right? Your ex?"

April does not understand why she felt a slight twinge in her heart at that.

Jackson was not even her ex.

They didn't even have enough of a relationship for her to even call him that.

"I love you."

She said out of the blue.

Not knowing if she's saying it out loud to reassure him of her feelings or herself because suddenly she's scared of all the unfamiliar emotions that were running through her at that moment.

" I wish that you're back here. I wish that you are here."

There was a note of desperation to April's voice as she uttered the words to her fiancée.

There was something about seeing Jackson that made her want to see Zach to convince herself of her feelings for him even if she was so sure about spending the rest of his life with him.

_But that was before Jackson came back._

A tiny, niggling voice said at the back of her head and April shook herself out of her stupor to get rid of her nasty doubts as she remembers Jackson's words of Zach being just Matthew number 2.

Zach would never be Matthew.

They spent more years getting to know each other before he proposed and she thought about accepting it a thousand times over before she did just that.

Also, Jackson and her were over.

She had accepted that long enough.

They were not good together.

She's spent three years reminding herself of that.

Three long years of trying hard to get over intense feelings and emotions that brought her to the highest of highs and lowest of lows because it also came hand in hand with a ton of heartache, regret and self recrimination.

Zach is good for her.

They were good together.

"Just two more months okay? Two more months and I'd be back".

Zach said and April nodded.

There was a sadness and an unexplainable ache that she suddenly felt at how loved Zach makes her feel and the waves of longing for his arms to hold her was so paralyzing that she almost had tears in her eyes.

"I miss you. I miss kissing you. I miss hugging you. _I miss making out with you_."

She said the last sentence in a whisper.

"Ugggh…. Seriously, April you're killing me."

Zach groaned loudly enough with a tortured expression on his face that one of his fellow doctors who was sitting behind him turned around to look at him weirdly.

He put his face closer to the laptop screen.

His gaze roving all over her face lovingly as if he wanted to memorize it in it's entirety.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

April asked curiously.

With a sigh, Zach reached out to touch her face from his computer screen.

"Nothing. I just love you so much…"

He has never said it to her quite that way before.

There was so much sincerity in his voice that it scared her.

"_But_… breaktime is over and so I have to go".

And just like that, it was as if he never dropped the words that made her stop and ponder and they hanged up..

She's chalking it down to nerves.

To a case of seeing the man who has hurt her like she's never been hurt before again and not because Jackson is stirring up all of these old emotions within her that she never thought she'd feel again.

She can never, ever hurt Zach.

_He loves her. _

_And She loves him back. _

_With all her heart. _

_Yes she does. _

* * *

**AUTHORS NOTE:**

**_How have you been all loving the story so far? _**

**_Do drop me a review because it would really inspire me to keep writing on. _**

**_Just a heads up that I can only update on weekends after Chapter 5. _**

**_I still hope though that you guys would stick around until this story reaches its conclusion. _**

**_I will try my best to make it worth your while. _**

**_Coming up: More Japril scenes together with lotsa heavy staring and angst that i love. :)_**


	5. Chapter 5

Throwing his duffel bag inside his locker, Jackson leaned his forehead against its steel doors for a moment as he wished for the strength and composure that he needs to get through the day.

It's been two weeks.

Two weeks that he's back and not once during those two weeks did he ever get the chance to be alone with April.

At most they have only spent a couple of minutes here and there together.

He doesn't know if she's avoiding him or if she's really busy with work but she's always running around making excuses whenever he set s up meetings to discuss future plans for the trauma center.

This thing is taking a toll on him more than he'd ever imagined.

Everyday was like an exercise in excruciating heartache.

It was the familiarity of the place that makes him even more miserable than he already is.

He imagines her legs wrapped around his waist whenever he takes a break in on call rooms.

He daydreams about her tears and how she used to lean on his shoulders when she loses a patient in isolated hallways.

He gets palpitations whenever he sees flashes of red hair passing through him and most of all, he feels such harrowing agony whenever he catches a glimpse of her talking lovingly on the phone with her boyfriend.

_The Boyfriend._

He's only met him once when April introduced them over Skype and he already hates him.

Without any due reason of course.

Other than the fact that he was so sickeningly good looking and that he was marrying the girl that he wants as his wife.

He never thought of himself as insecure.

He likes to downplay the whole thing of how people gush a lot about his good looks, girls in particular, but it rankles his chains whenever Cristina teases him that April has definitely leveled up her game because compared to her new boyfriend, he looks like a dog.

On the other hand, Alex keeps on saying that April Kepner and her email has turned him gay.

He is obsessed with her email.

He had made Alex read it along with him so many times that Alex told him that if he goes and sees that email one more time, he'd smash Jackson's laptop on his head.

_It may not be today but someday… _

_Someday we'd be back in each other's life…_

And they are.

Back in each others life.

Sort of, he guess.

_I will never lose hope. _

_That eventually we will have our second chance._

And he needs to know.

He needs to know so badly if indeed they have a chance that it's eating him up inside.

Even if he knows he's opening himself up to pain.

But he has vowed to throw away his pride so he would do everything it takes until she gives him that opportunity to make her fall in love with him again.

And maybe that opportunity was today.

Desperate times call for desperate measures so they say and seeing April enter the residents lounge, Jackson quickly rids himself of his sweater, flexes his muscles and pulls his jeans to sit even lower at his waist.

He nonchalantly puts his hands at the back of his neck to make his abs even more pronounced making it appear that he was not even aware of her presence even if it was obvious to Cristina and Meredith who arrived arm in arm after April that it was something so obviously staged.

"Good- G-g-good morning."

April greeted Jackson awkwardly as she unconsciously lapped up with her eyes every bit of his skin that was exposed to her gaze.

God.

She never thought it was even possible but he became even more delicious after he left.

She remembered the times when she was full of anger and hate for him and she prayed every night that he would have grown a gut or perhaps let himself go so that it would be easier for her to be repulsed by him if ever they meet again.

But maybe God was punishing her for having pre-marital sex.

There was not one bit of that prayer that he heeded and as if he was testing her, he had done the exact opposite and he was even more cut and toned than she remembered.

"Morning".

He uttered sexily.

He walks the two steps between them and April had to close her eyes tightly to ward off such close proximity.

She can feel the heat of his skin even through her sweater.

She can smell his deodorant as he lifted his arms to get his scrub top hanging from behind her.

It was only a couple of seconds but it felt like hours.

And as she opened her eyes again, he was already all dressed up and smiling at her that smile which makes only one corner of his mouth rise up, elated at the fact that he still has the power to affect her that way before he was out the doors and into the hospital again.

And April felt hot.

And breathless.

And so freakin' annoyed at the way she can't control her most basic urges.

"Wow. What was that?"

Meredith mouthed slowly from behind her.

"That was sexual tension so thick I can almost cut it with a knife".

She continued with a smile.

She was obviously enjoying every bit of discomfort that she sees written all over the always put together "New April Kepner" who now looks as discomfited as the April of old when she was caught off guard.

"Good thing I didn't have breakfast, Kepner. Watching that…"

Cristina gestured around the vicinity of where Jackson was at before sitting on the bench near the lockers and taking off her sneakers.

"It almost made me throw up a little in my mouth."

Meredith laughed at that as April made a face at the both of them before opening her locker with more force than was absolutely necessary.

"You've been to that carnival before, Kepner. Why not give it a spin again? It's obvious that you're not getting some from Dr. GQ and Jackson still wants you."

Cristina continued tactlessly as Meredith lets out another chuckle before intervening afterwards because she feels for the discomfited petite surgeon.

"Stop it Cristina. She's getting married and what happened between them was all in the past".

Cristina scoffed at that.

"Past? Want to bet?"

Cristina said confidently and April spun around to look at her after pulling her scrub top over her head .

"OH CAN YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP!"

She shouted.

Letting out all her repressed frustration and annoyance on the innocent cardio surgeon who looked at her as if she was possessed.

And maybe she was.

Cristina paused for awhile to stare at her before Meredith and her exchange glances and soon they were breaking out in peals of laughter again.

"UGH!"

April threw her hands up in the air as she exited the lounge.

She hates this.

She hates the fact that once again she was the laughing stock.

She abhors the thought that she has let her poise go just because she saw Jackson half naked.

She resents it.

But there's nothing that she loathes more than the fact that she cannot get the thought of how tempted she was to run her hands all over his skin because she knows how good it feels to do just that and also how nice it feels to have him touching her.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Authors Note: **_

_**So just a clarification, this work of fiction was inspired and based on the Filipino movie, Starting Over Again because I totally feel that the story would work for April and Jackson and I found a comment on the reviews tab saying that I should give credit to it.**_

_**I just want to clarify that credits has always been there from day 1 since I published this.**_

_**It is in the description/summary tab so even before you click on the story and if you'd read it long enough, you can make that clear.**_

_**Let me know if I should continue or not.**_

_**Thanks!**_

* * *

Striding along the halls of Grey Sloan, Jackson was a man of purpose.

He was through with this cat and mouse game that April has been playing with him and damn if he was not frustrated, unfulfilled and if he's really being honest, just a tiny bit annoyed.

Lord knows he has used up all of his patience in biding his sweet time looking for that perfect moment when April and him can finally be alone and have "the talk".

But as if it was not enough that she just leaves plans for the center that they should talk about face to face on top of his desk just covered in post its with her notes, now she's even taking to changing course when they cross paths in hallways and frankly, he's had enough.

He thought that after that brief encounter that they had in the resident's lounge a couple of days ago that she would somehow warm up to him and break down her walls.

However, it seems like it had the opposite effect as she became more fidgety and nervous around him and that irks him to no end.

But that changes today.

He found her in one of the medicine supply closets.

Her hands busy with sorting through vials of drugs that she reads the labels of and then jots down on her red notebook.

She looks efficient, focused and capable and looking at her biting her lips in concentration, Jackson just suddenly felt all his annoyance dissipate.

She was so beautiful that she takes his breath away.

And she reminds him so much of feelings that are left unsaid and of a past that he wants to correct and that's why he's here right now today.

He opened the door of the closet and April turned her head to see who arrived.

There was a look of surprise that crossed over her eyes for a second when she saw that it was him, but she also quickly regained composure and returned to the task at hand.

"What are you doing here? It's not even 6 AM?"

She asked.

Jackson laid out the document in his hands in front of her. A spark of recognition flashed in her eyes when April saw that it was one of her proposals for funding for the center and she silently breathed a prayer of thanks that he was here for work and not something else.

"Oh, that…."

She said breathlessly.

"You should have just left it on top of my desk or with my intern if you're through signing that".

"You should explain things like this to me…"

He uttered in a low, sexy drawl.

And that drawl was doing things to her that are not at all welcome and that fact peeves her.

"You know what? Next time if you have questions, you can just text me or email me. You should just save yourself the hassle of coming to find me."

She stepped away from him.

Putting as much distance as possible between them as she returns to the chore of sorting through bottles but when previously her hands were steady, they were now shaky,

"It's okay April. We haven't seen each other for so long and we have not had the chance to be alone and I for one, would really love to catch up".

_But whyyyyyyyy?_

A small voice shouted in April's head.

Alarm bells were ringing in her ears and she knows that they're treading on dangerous ground but she can't let Jackson see how much he affects her and so she hid behind the mask of nonchalance.

"You've changed".

He whispered.

And April lets out a nervous chuckle at that before telling him jokingly.

"Well, I hope it's a better April."

She looked at him with a wide grin but she faltered when she saw how serious looking he was.

"It's the April I've always imagined you to be".

Now.

That got her attention.

She can feel her temper rising as she tried to understand what he meant by that.

_The April he's always imagined her to be._

Was she not good enough for him before and is that the reason why he left?

"The April you always imagined me to be".

She said sarcastically.

"Wow. That's interesting".

She smirked.

Jackson followed behind her.

He closed the gap that she had previously put between them until they were almost chest to chest again.

"Am I still interesting?"

Her hands steadied at that and she turned to lift her eyes up to him.

"To you?"

He continued.

It was probably the steely gaze that she gave him that made him make light of the bombshell that he just dropped and he took a step back away from her.

"Just asking."

He said with a shrug.

As if he didn't just say something that was so charged that the supply room now felt as if it was on fire to April.

"Do I still affect you?"

Jackson said again.

April felt her cheeks flush.

Her temper slowly flaring because she doesn't know nor understand what he's playing at.

"Again. I'm just asking".

He said casually.

She paused for a moment to look at him.

Every bit of loathing that she felt for him when he left her was encompassed in her gaze as she bit out a loud and solid _"No"_ before once again walking away to another shelf to get away from him.

And that makes Jackson angry.

That he can say no to him straight to his face when he was here, feeling like a bumbling schoolboy pulling on his crush's pigtails in the schoolyard just to get a rise out of her.

"Ahhh... so that's why you've been avoiding me. That's why it's not even 6 AM and you're already here. Why? You can't sleep too right? Look at that. It's not even your job to do inventory and yet you're doing that. Yeah right… so you're not affected"

He finished off sarcastically

April lets out a sigh of frustration.

"Look Jackson…"

He cuts her off.

"Tell me April, why did you really agree to work with me?"

She rolled her eyes and looked at him.

Annoyance etched all over her face.

"Because I can't say no since you own the whole freaking hospital!"

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as if trying to regain her composure.

"Please Jackson. Don't flatter yourself. I'm just an employee here and I just want to finish my job!"

It was not the answer that Jackson was looking for and it made him angry how she remains stubbornly closed off about her real feelings when he came here purposefully to talk about that.

"You told me you wanted me".

Her mouth opened and closed at that.

A sound akin to a laugh coming out from between them which she finds weird right now, because what she really wanted to do was cry.

"SERIOUSLY? We're really going there?

She lets out a sigh of frustration when he didn't answer.

"BUT YOU REJECTED ME!"

"AND YOU TOLD ME YOU'D WAIT!"

She shook her head and turned her back on him.

She needs to keep her hands busy and so she returned to something that was safe and familiar which were the medicines and the notebook and so she did that before answering Jackson again.

"Did i? You rejected me."

She replied monotonously

"And I fucking regret that everyday!"

He grabbed her hands and turned her around to face him.

He needs to see her eyes.

To see the truth in those hazel brown eyes and it kills him to see that all they have right now at this very moment was sadness.

"Jackson please. Are you - are you seducing me?"

"Do you want me to?"

_"I'm. getting. married."_

She emphasized every word and the meaning was not lost on him at how the tables have turned and that she's now reminding him of the fact that he wanted to forget.

"I know and now I'm giving you a reason not to."

His voice was almost pleading.

Jackson knows he's groveling but probably this was what he should have done and should have said then when she came to him in that hospital bed three years ago.

_"I'm. getting. Married."_

She bit out the words before turning away from him again.

But Jackson can't give up now.

He's come this far and he won't give up.

"Three years ago, you sent me a letter from lettermelater, I got it about a month ago."

April turned to look at him in surprise before avoiding his gaze again.

"I don't remember."

Jackson followed her.

Mouthing off the words of her letter to her word for word which is now engrained in his brain and his heart and if she can't remember then he'd make her remember.

"_Dearest Jackson…_

_I have a confession to make._

_The first time I saw you, I told myself that I should avoid you._

_That moment when I first laid eyes on your piercing eyes and heart fluttering smile, I just had that gut feel that you would cause me to sin and so I evaded being near you._

_That's why I'm sending you this email 3 years from this day._

_By the time you receive this, I hope that you have done everything that you wanted to._

_You would have already met a lot of people, gone to a lot of places and probably thought about what it is that you need. _

_I hope that three years is enough time for you to be sure that maybe, just maybe I am really the girl whom you'd want to spend the rest of forever with._

_I will endure Jackson._

_I will bear the longing and the pain and the loneliness with only the hope that one day, I'd be back in your life again._

_I will do everything it takes to correct the mistakes that we've made._

_I will never lose hope._

_That eventually we will have our second chance_

_It may not be today but someday… _

_Someday we'd be back in each other's life and I'm not taking no for an answer again."_

April felt like she's drowning.

Every word that Jackson utters feels like a nail to her already wounded heart and even if she has convinced herself that she has forgotten, all the old feelings come rushing back to her as if it just happened yesterday.

She has to get away.

To keep busy.

Otherwise she'd lose it right there and then.

But Jackson was persistent.

Tenacious.

And he kept following her every step of the way.

"Is that still right, April? Is that still true? Is that why even if you say you hate me and you cannot remember you still agreed to us working together because you still want us to have our second chance? Huh, April?"

She opened the door to enter the Laboratory Freezer.

She wanted to keep Jackson as far away from her as possible but he's there.

Just one step behind her and pressing her for answers.

"April, please April."

And as she turned to open the doors again to get out, she found out that she has locked themselves in.

"DAMN IT!"

April said as she pounded her palms on the door that's separating her between heartbreak and safety.

"What happened?"

Jackson asked.

A worried frown now creasing his brows.

"I locked us in!"

She shouted angrily.

She kicked the doors in frustration as Jackson takes charge and starts talking to someone on the intercom for help.

"They're coming"

He reassured her as April stood there shaking and freezing as the -18 degree temperature start to kick in.

Jackson takes her in his arms.

April gave a start of surprise but then after a moment of hesitation she lets him.

She tried to convince herself that he was doing it to give her warmth but even if she lies to herself, she knows that there's something more in the way he holds her tightly against his chest.

She can feel it.

And in that embrace, in that fateful embrace April found her resolve weakening.

"April"

Jackson whispered in her ears, breaking the deafening silence.

"If we'd die today, can you answer my question already? Do you still think we have a second chance? Is today that someday?"

And she can't help but smile.

This was typical stubborn Jackson that even in the face of disaster or death, once he gets something in his head he would never give up.

She pushed away from him long enough to look at him.

His gaze were so intense his blue eyes were almost grey.

And as they stare at each other with sorrow and regret and as he turns to cup her face, the nurses come running in to let them out of isolation and the moment was lost to them once again.


	7. Chapter 7

**_Authors Note: This chapter was inspired by 10x18 "You Be Illin" _**

**_I just thought that it would be a good idea to have the tables turned and to see how Jackson would react if it was April who was sick instead._**

**_I have also made my own take on Jackson's proposal because frankly, that scene is such a stand out among all Japril scenes._**

**_Hope you all like it._**

**_I see a lot of traffic for this story but not a lot of reviews._**

**_I'd love to hear your thoughts. It would inspire me to continue._**

* * *

It was a Tuesday when their paths crossed again.

It was a normal, ordinary work week wherein they sat alone in an empty conference room as they both pretend to be professionals engrossed in the project that they have to collaborate on despite the fact that every nerve on April's body was standing on edge in recognition and remembrance of that moment that she and Jackson had shared in that medicine supply closet.

She feels like crap.

Literally and figuratively.

It might be due to the fact that she's been having sleepless nights ever since their encounter, or the fact that she spent most of those nights crying as she read and re-read through the email which she had not seen for three years and which she buried deep in the recesses of her soul.

And it's now taking a toll on her.

Her head was swimming, her throat was scratchy and as if that's not enough, she even has to deal with the fact that Jackson is sitting quietly across from her, looking pensive while chewing at the end of his pen, fresh faced and bushy eyed and gorgeous, probably because he doesn't even give a rats ass about the events that transpired between them.

And what else does she expect?

From the same man who quickly moved on to sleep with another girl after telling her that he's "in" and that he has feelings for her.

This proximity is making her forget.

He's only been here for a month and he is already getting under her skin just like in the past.

After everything that has happened and after all the heartbreak that she has went through and despite the fact that she had swore herself off him, he still has the power to do this to her.

And he's making her remember.

_"I don't have the results yet I told you I would text you". _

_She told Jackson in a whisper although she doesn't understand why. _

_It's not as if she thought that if she really was pregnant that it was something to be ashamed of or it was something sordid but rather because she was afraid that if she'd say it out loud, it would turn out to be true and it would be the end of everything that's normal and familiar. _

_"I'm in". _

_He told her with an excited smile. _

_"What?" _

_She looked at him in surprise. _

_Her heart soaring for a moment in the hopes that he's into this because he feels for her as much as she does but then the logical part of her brain kicks in and tells her that false expectations can only lead to disaster. _

_He pulls her into an empty on call room and she can feel her heart pounding in her ears. _

_Partly in excitement but mostly in trepidation as she looked at him closing the door and while she waited for him to turn around and face her. _

_"I know it might not be what you planned or how you planned it but we can do this. We'd get married. Have an awesome kid, be amazing parents, I'm in". _

_And she cannot help but grin. _

_His speech was exactly the same as the life for them that she had imagined. _

_But she cannot stay happy. _

_She cannot be happy yet until she's sure that he's not just saying all these things to her because he was guilty or because he felt obligated. _

_"Don't - don't say that if you don't mean it". _

_"I mean it. We can do this." _

_And he looked so confident and self-assured that it was exactly what he desired that she can't help but feel his positivity rub off on her. _

_"You really think that -" _

_She asked him tentatively, still apprehensive if he's saying things that he truly mean. _

_"You said it yourself, something that feels this good cannot be bad". _

_And as he echoed her own words back at her, she felt the hope that she's nursing in her heart threaten to consume her. _

_"You really - really want this?" _

_She asked him again just to be sure. _

_"I want this. We get married. We have a house, we get a big yard-" _

_And at that moment, in that one particular moment she can't help but imagine a rosy future for them and to believe that maybe this will work out. _

_Because he was exactly what she needs. _

_Because Jackson is the man she loves. _

_"And we have a wedding-" _

_"And we'd have a huge, freakin' wedding!" _

_"In a field with butterflies?" _

_"Butterflies - A field- whatever you want" _

_His words were tripping up all over themselves in his enthusiasm and she was half laughing and half crying because she felt that at that moment he had not just offered her the wedding she'd always wanted but the world. _

_His world. _

_"Your families gonna be there, my crazy mom's gonna be there - she'd probably bring Webber, whatever, it's fine-" _

_They were so engrossed in their vision of a tomorrow that they'd share. _

_Jackson and her. _

_She never even thought that the dream would ever turn into a nightmare. _

_Because as she cups his face in her hands to give him a searing kiss, she was not only offering her lips and her yes and her heart but also her whole life to him_

She lets out a sigh at the memory that it made Jackson look up from his laptop.

Their eyes meet from across the room as if representing the wide void in their hearts that's now separating them.

They were so happy then.

So freaking hopeful and trusting like the whole damn world is theirs.

How did they come from that - to this?

"Is something wrong?"

Jackson asked her from where he was seated.

His eyes knitted with worry as he looked at her with that piercing blue-green gaze that always manages to somehow give her butterflies in her stomach.

"No. Just tired I guess. I'm fine."

She said quietly.

The weakness in her voice betraying her words because frankly, she is not even anywhere remotely near the vicinity of "fine".

He nodded slowly as if he was unsure what to do next, his gaze never leaving her face as if he was reading through her.

But as she turned to type on her laptop again, he was suddenly all action as he threw his hands up in the air and pushed his chair back while at the same time muttering a soft expletive under his breath.

"Fuck this."

She raised her eyebrows at that and looked at him in surprise.

Not because he cursed but because he was suddenly in front of her seat, hands on waist wearing his grumpy face.

"C'mon you need a break. It's 10PM. We need to eat".

And he dragged her up by the wrist only to turn to her in shock as he looked at her in rage.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, APRIL, what the hell are you thinking? You are burning up!"

She never even imagined that his face can look any madder than how it normally is but yep- there it is.

"I'm fine"

She protested weakly.

She had never played the damsel in distress card at any part of her life and she's not about to start now.

And not with Jackson, of all people.

"Who in their right mind would run a fever and spend the entire day working her ass off for 14 hours? Goddamit April, you're a fucking doctor! Why must you make me sick with wor-"

Jackson caught himself before he finished his sentence.

He closed his eyes as if he was trying to control his emotions, his chest heaving.

"C'mon. Let's get you to rest in an empty on call room".

He said firmly as he put his arms around her shoulders before she shrugged them off.

"Jackson! I'm okay. I'm not even sick."

She insisted.

Her words are coming out slurred and barely coherent now as she swayed on her feet and that was the last straw for Jackson because _he _has reached the end of his patience.

"You-"

He pointed his fingers sternly at her.

"- are resting."

And he turns to lift her up in his arms as April starts to protest in surprise albeit feebly.

"Jackson! What do you think you're doing? I'm perfectly okay. Jackson- Put me down! Jackson!"

Jackson strode through the halls of Grey Sloan.

Earning shocked faces and hidden smiles along the way as he carried April in his arms from both hospital staff and patients.

He can not even care less.

This is his goddamn hospital and he can do anything that he pleases to.

"Urgghhh – Jackson this is so embarrassing!"

April groaned from his arms as she turned to hide her face in his chest.

Jackson cannot help but grin.

This is not the most ideal of circumstances but at least she's right where he wanted her.

He pushed the nearest vacant on call rooms door with his hip as April's protests turn softer.

"Can't - don't want to - must finish-"

She mumbled.

And he can't help but smile.

Like an idiot.

Like a fool in love.

Because he remembers that April was a soldier and here she is being all "soldier-y" despite the fact that she's almost about to keel over.

April lied still as he put her down.

She does not move a muscle and is as still as death that Jackson felt a small frisson of panic so he puts his hand over her chest just to ensure himself that she was still alive and breathing.

"Jackson?"

She whispered faintly.

"Yeah?"

He said tenderly.

Curiosity getting the better of him as to what it is that she would be saying so he leaned in closer.

"Stop groping me".

And he lets out a loud laugh at that.

And with her eyes closed she gave out a little smile too.

Her face snuggling closer to his hand that were now brushing the stray hairs away from her face that it made Jackson falter.

_Just this once._

April thought.

_I'm sick and i have my defenses down so i'd do what i want__ just this once because I don't want to fight anymore._

And that was her last thought before she fell asleep while Jackson stare as her chest start to rise and fall in even breathing.

For the first time ever since Jackson returned, he took her fill of her.

Of her long lashes that fan out against her cheek.

And her red flaming hair that's as fiery as her temper.

He looked at the curves of her mouth that he has memorized and knows so well.

He remembered nightmares that turn quiet when she lies down beside him.

He looked back on home cooked meals and the constant nagging about laundry that should have irritated him but was like music to his ears.

He recalled bar fights and flying punches and heated, passionate sex shared thereafter -

And after.

And after.

And after.

And as he watched her in slumber, Jackson lets out a sigh as he asked her in her sleep -

_April, what do I do? _

_Tell me._

_Can I start from the beginning again?_

And before he can stop himself, he was already leaning over her to kiss her gently.


	8. Chapter 8

**_AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks so much for all your reviews, follows and favorites!_**

**_This chapter is typical Greys that is full of drama, it's only Meredith's voice that's lacking to make it believable as Shonda's (HA! I wish!)_**

**_Anyways, i hope you'd enjoy this chapter._**

**_As per request, i have made it a little bit longer so please, please, please leave reviews to make the effort worth it! :)_**

* * *

April turned her face away from her pillow as her eyes slowly opened from sleep.

Feeling like something that death has warmed over, she slowly blinked to let her eyes get accustomed to the faint sunlight that was streaming in from between grey curtains that were covering the big windows across where she was lying.

She lets out a sound in between a groan and a sigh as she felt the aftermath of the flu make its toll known to her body.

She was still feeling weak but also a little better.

That, despite the fact that her night has been full of dreams of a familiar dark skinned surgeon hovering over her as she dozes off to sleep and of butterfly, soft kisses that felt so real as they landed on her lips.

April shook her head to ward off the unbidden thoughts that are playing tricks with her head.

Her eyes simultaneously widening in realization that she was in unfamiliar territory as she clutched the beds black silk blankets close to her chest.

_Where the hell is she?_

She thought to herself as she takes in the rest of her sorroundings with something closely akin to panic.

April's eyes roved desperately over every inch of available surface in the room until they landed on something familiar.

That of a painting of pair of shoes hanging on the wall and she lets out a whimper of distress because that's when she knew.

"No, no, nooooo…"

She mumbled to herself desperately as she gathered the rest of her belongings stacked neatly on the seat next to the bed.

Her hands grabbing frantically at her sneakers as she thought that it was still barely dawn so Jackson was probably still asleep and so she can make a run for it.

She hates confrontations.

With him most particularly.

She doesn't even know the why or what or how she ended up at his home but she can live the rest of her life not knowing just as long as she can avoid him.

However, fate seemed to have other plans as she runs into the person she most wanted to steer clear of the moment she went out the bedroom door.

He was coming out from the bathroom.

His hand still holding onto the doorknob and his chest still glistening with moisture as he toweled his head off.

He was shirtless and only in his pajama pants that are slung way low over his waist that it was almost a sin.

April stopped in her tracks mesmerized by him.

Jackson walks towards her partly in surprise and partly in worry because he felt that she still needed to rest and here she was, already alert and seemingly wide awake.

"You're up? It's barely 6. Are you feeling better?"

He raised his hands up to touch her forehead.

April shakes it off and raises her eyes up to look at him.

How can he be so unaffected when here she is, dizzy with her lust for him that it was almost suffocating?

She took a step back as if she was burnt.

She had been through this phase of letting her body command over her head years ago and just look where it got her.

"Why- Why -"

She stuttered.

Jackson looked at her curiously as he takes in the fact that she was in her bare feet and that her arms are full of her bag and coat.

He suddenly felt a wave of disappointment wash through him as he realized that she was still not comfortable enough to be isolated alone with him and that she was probably making a run for it.

"You were out of it April. I was afraid that you'd be alone at home with no one to look after you and so i thought it's better to bring you here."

April slowly nodded.

She bit her lips in concentration as she thought about the possibilities of what could have happened last night and she can't help but blush at the direction where her thoughts are taking her.

It was not lost on Jackson.

Because he was thinking the same way thing too only that he wishes that it could have really been what has happened.

"You were so sick. I was just sitting here awake on the couch just listening out for you because you were almost delirious".

He said instead as April gave a sigh of relief.

She was so transparent that he immediately knew that she was pacified by the fact that she didn't do anything that she would regret or feel sorry for now that she's awake and that she is in full control of her senses.

It was the same look she gave him when they learnt that she was not pregnant.

The same look that almost brought him to his knees in heartbreak as it slowly dawned on him that maybe she doesn't feel for him the same way he does.

"Thank you".

April told him in a low voice sincerely.

In a way she feels oddly touched not just by the fact that Jackson spent the whole night taking care of her but also because he respected her enough to give her space even if they were alone at his house.

Jackson shrugged as if it was nothing and breaks the moment by walking into the kitchen to start preparing breakfast.

"Are you leaving?"

He shouted from across the room.

"Why don't you put your things down first and let's eat together? You have not eaten anything at all since lunch yesterday."

He suggested.

And she doesn't know what came over her because against her better judgment, she found herself relenting.

She lets her tensed shoulders relax a little bit as she put her things down and she allowed herself to let loose and to just calm down even if she was still keenly aware of his electrifying presence.

She followed him to the kitchen, rolling up her sleeves as she peeked curiously at his shoulders to see what it is that he was making.

"Can I help?"

She asked.

His kitchen was so small that when he turned around they were almost pressed together.

It was a fact that she did not think of nor realized when she jumped in there gullibly to offer her assistance.

And she was sorry she didn't.

Because she was filled with his scent and his warmth and of _him_ that she can't think of anything else.

"I-I'm sorry."

She said nervously after she accidentally brushed her fingers against his stomach.

Her tongue darting out to lick her dry lips as Jackson's eyes darkened because it was a gesture he didn't miss.

"Why?"

He took a step towards her to close the gap between them.

"It's nothing that you've never touched nor run your hands all over before".

His voice was smoky.

And it was turning her knees into jelly.

"Jackson, please. How many times do i have to tell you? I'm marrying someone else".

She said feebly.

As if she needed to remind herself at every moment.

As if it will shield him from his advances when he gets too close to her that she can't even breathe.

She extended her hands out to him to show him her engagement ring.

As if he needed a physical reminder that he should keep his hands off her and that they should stay apart.

And Jackson felt himself getting angry.

He doesn't need to be made aware that she now belongs to someone else.

He remembers.

_Every freaking day._

And it makes him feel like shit and he wants to hurt her just as much as she's hurting him at this moment.

"That your ring?"

He asked as he raised her hands to examine it against the light.

"It's ugly."

He said cruelly.

And April takes a sharp intake of breath at Jackson's harsh words because those words reminded her of her fiancee's kindness.

And he doesn't deserve this.

He doesn't deserve that she's here standing pressed to another man when she promised him her love and her heart even if now she's not so sure if she's still wholeheartedly giving him that.

_Because Jackson is here._

And he is confusing her and driving her nuts and making her crazy.

"I- I have to go."

She said as she struggled to free herself from Jackson's grip.

But he only tightens her hold on her as he grabs her wrist.

"Don't. Stay."

He said.

The anger was now gone from his voice.

There was only pleading and humility and supplication as he looked at her tenderly and begged her with his eyes to give him a chance because he's not sure anymore how he can let her go.

April falters for a moment.

Her heart caught between this man who hurt her so badly in the past and that of doing what is right.

In the end, it was her memory of the way that he abandoned her that won.

"Jackson. _I._ Have to go."

She said firmly as she freed herself from his grasp to turn away.

Only to find herself caught up in his embrace as he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist from behind her back.

"April. Please."

And those two words were almost her undoing.

And she felt all the pent up rage for him that she has kept bottled up inside her heart for three years suddenly erupt in a wave of emotions.

All of the things that she wanted to say but didn' t when they were locked up in that medicine supply closet are now threatening to spill out of her lips in a rush.

She jerked violently away from him to turn and face him.

Her eyes flashing with rage and sparkling with tears that Jackson was taken aback for a moment.

"Please? Please?"

She said sarcastically.

"I said the same thing before Jackson! I begged you! That night in that hospital room, I begged you".

She was almost yelling.

Frantic in her need to make him understand that once and for all he just needs to make her stop hurting.

"BUT I DESERVE A REASON! I deserve to know why you think _this-_"

Jackson pointed his fingers between him and her.

"- why we - would never work out!"

Jackson shouted.

April's words were like knives to his soul.

But damn if he doesn't deserve to be angry too.

After all, he was hurt as much as she thinks he's hurt her.

"Reason? A reason? Why?"

April scoffed.

Recalling the time when she asked him for the same thing and he pushed her away.

"BECAUSE YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH!"

Jackson shouted.

And April can't help but laugh.

Sardonically.

Because this is big of him.

Where does he come off his high horse telling her that she's indebted to him for anything when the moment he left she felt as if she almost died?

_She wished that she has died._

"I don't owe you ANYTHING, Jackson! You should have trusted me. You should have given me a chance to prove myself and my love to you before you decided to run away! I deserved a reason! I deserved to know why one day, I woke up and suddenly you were not there. I deserved a reason why one day we were dreaming of kids and a house and a yard and the next day you were screwing an intern! And don't you dare start with me and tell me about Matthew! _I -_"

She pounded her palms against his chest.

"_- I needed Matthew._ Because I needed to feel loved and wanted and desired because - because Jackson? You made me feel like crap! You made me feel like I was that easy to toss away!"

She was crying earnestly now.

Her cheeks streaked with tears and Jackson reached out his hand to hold on to her.

"I'm - I'm sor-"

She swatted his hands away.

Backing off from him and putting distance between them because she's not sure if she can ever let him go once he hold on to her.

"Oh no, Jackson. No, no, no… You don't deserve to be sorry. I. AM. SORRY. I am sorry that I spent all these years trying to forget you because Jackson? You don't need me. You only think that you need me because you received that freaking email which I wrote three years ago, And now, what? Now you're asking me to throw the life I've made for myself because - Because you're back here? Because of a whim?."

She paused for a moment and closed her eyes probably to calm herself.

But when she opened them again, there was so much despair in her gaze that Jackson almost got down on his knees to beg for her forgiveness for having broken her.

"I'm sorry."

Jackson wishes he knew words that are far stronger than this but that's all he could say.

And as if April lost all the fight in her she covered her face with her hands to start sobbing genuinely.

Heartwracking sobs that seem to tear into Jackson's very own soul.

She beats at his chest feebly with her hands as he gathered him into his embrace.

He squeezed her tightly against him until she collapses against him, seemingly weak in his arms.

"I'm sorry - I'm sorry. I was a coward and a fool and I was an asshole and I love you. I love you April. So tell me, what do I do if you want me to go away? It didn't work before. I – I am trying my best here. Heaven knows. _I. AM. TRYING. _Where do I even begin? How can i do what you want? How can I ever unlove you?"

And she stilled in his arms.

She pushed away from him to look at him with her wet, limpid eyes.

And with a groan, Jackson swooped down to coax her lips apart.

At first, April lets out a whimper of protest before she kissed him back torridly with all the feelings of her repressed love, anger, frustration, longing and hurt.

Jackson groaned at her response and he deepens the kiss passionately.

"This – this is not right."

April whispered weakly against his lips before letting out a soft moan as she felt his lips on her neck.

"This is wrong."

She said in between kisses but her body was betraying what her lips were saying.

"Don't fight it April, We are so good together. So good that we're right."

Jackson whispered in her ears as he circled them with his tongue and April's heart lurched at the desire that she felt in his voice.

Like that the passion between them burns and flares and consumes them to their very core.

He holds her up and shoves her against his kitchen counter and she wraps her legs against his waist.

Setting her down, he pushes until she's flat against the surface and stares down at her.

"I missed you April."

He said tenderly.

"I want you, I have never stopped wanting you."

He said more urgently.

And she reaches up to cup his face, her mouth opening over his and her tongue flicking against his lips.

He's hard and it hurts and then she reaches down to kiss his chest and it hurts even more.

The kind of hurt that leaves him breathless and gasping driving him crazy, making her more eager for her.

She strokes him with her hand and with her tongue, making the back of his head fire with the age old need to be one with her, to claim her and leave his mark on her.

_In her._

He's had his fill of women his entire life but he has never felt so overcome with desire and need the way he is with her.

_Only with you._

He thinks.

She tugs his bottoms down while he cups her breasts, making her arch from the table with a gasp. Her neck and her chest are already turning pink as she flushed with desire and he breaks the kiss between them to trail his mouth down following the stain, licking and sucking her flesh as though he was starving.

Which he was.

_For her._

She takes off her top and her gaze never leaves his face.

His breath hitches all over again at the bare perfection of her body.

He has imagined her _- this_, so many times over the course of time that they were apart when he feels the need for release but nothing beats now.

This moment.

She was perfect.

And she was his.

He pushes himself unto her and she lets out a tiny whimper which she muffles by biting his neck.

And they danced the dance of love until they were spent.

And once they were finished, he hugs her face to his neck.

Her hair fanned out all over his shoulders as they try to catch their breath.

Once, they have recovered Jackson carried her into his arms and he laid her on his bed where they made love again until they fell asleep.

And when he wakes-

She was nowhere to be seen.

There was only a letter that she has taped onto his bedside table and which made him feel as if his world was falling apart as he read it over and over again.

_Jackson,_

_What happened last night should never have happened. _

_It was wrong for both of us. _

_We are now different people with different lives and I have somebody that I need to think of who trusts and loves me. _

_Let's put the past behind. _

_Even if we can't forgive, let's forget. _

_I'd be meeting you back at the hospital not as the girl whose virginity you took but as your fellow surgeon and employee. _

_I hope you can do the same. _

_It's better. _

_For both our sanity._

He crumpled the letter in his hands.

He was reminded of so many times like these in the past when they'd make love and she'd feel such inexplicable guilt that her only recourse was to feign that it ever happened.

But he was not the same guy.

He was not the same person who' d take it as a personal slight but rather as a challenge that he should make her see that it was right.

_That they were right._

That what they feel is real and there's no running away from that.

He grabbed a shirt, his car keys and the letter in a rush.

His fingers already busy texting Alex to ask for April's address as he opened his car door determined to put up a fight.

But as he stood outside of her apartment and after he rang her doorbell he's filled with doubts.

Not about his feelings but hers because maybe she was right.

Maybe it's really the blond, good looking, blue eyed guy who answered her door that she really wanted now in her life.


	9. Chapter 9

If hell really does exist, Jackson believes he might be there right now.

Every single day of the past week has been an exercise for him in terms of restraint.

It had been a constant routine of putting up a veneer of civility whenever he sees Zach and April around, when really, what he truly wanted to do was to punch her boyfriend in the face.

_They are everywhere._

_Together._

And it's driving him insane.

They are at the cafeteria holding hands.

In the hallways wearing love struck grins while they discuss their latest surgical cases.

In the boardroom during meetings, whispering in each other's ears and giggling together as if they are sharing some great big secret of which he doesn't play a part.

_And it annoys him._

It annoys him to no end that he is eternally sullen and moody and crabby resulting in Cristina giving him a new nickname which is that of Sourpuss.

It doesn't help at all that Zach was like a fucking saint.

He was cordial and warm and friendly and obviously so smitten with April that he even took a leave of absence to fly out right away from LA to Seattle the moment he heard that she has fallen sick.

He was perfect for her.

He was everything that he had ever imagined himself to be if he was with her but which he isn't and so he wasn't, but it doesn't even matter because even if he is not as flawless as Zach is, _he still wants her_.

That, despite the fact that she looks at him with pleading eyes whenever her boyfriend even so much as gives him a glance or that she looks so guilty whenever their eyes meet that he feels as if he has defiled her and took her against her will.

She looks at Zach with adoring eyes and with such obvious tenderness.

_And him?_

She eyes him as if he just killed her favorite cat.

It might be breaking his heart and he might not agree, but April said she wanted space and so that is what he is giving her.

He's staying away and keeping his peace but that doesn't mean he's giving up.

Hell no, he wouldn't

After he has gotten over his initial shock of seeing Zach in the flesh and after looking like an idiot standing in front of April's doorstep, he thought he could be the bigger man in letting her go and accepting the fact that he has to give her away.

_But he can't._

No matter how hard he tries, he just can't.

Most especially after the night they shared.

And so he's here.

Waiting in the wings and biding his time as he wishes for that perfect moment even if it was killing him.

_Even if it was tearing him apart._

And so it came as a surprise to him to see April finally alone today for the first time in days leaning against the emergency rooms counter.

She was checking her phone and was wearing a frown as he casually walks toward her.

He made a big show of writing down on his patients chart and making it appear as if he was just passing by even if for the past few minutes he has really just been stalking her.

"Hey, everything okay?"

He asks her with concern as she lets out another sigh.

April looks at him in surprise because she was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn't even notice that he had been there for some time.

She hesitated a few seconds before she opens her mouth but then at the last minute she seemed to have changed her mind and she just shook her head and takes out her phone to check it again for what it seems to Jackson like the tenth time.

"C'mon, We can't even be friends now?'

He asks her in a soft voice and with a chuckle but there was no denying the hurt in his eyes.

She looks up at him and stares at him for a beat as if wondering if she could trust him.

And then as if saying "what the heck" she rolls her eyes, takes a deep breath and says in a rush…

"It's Zach."

And Jackson almost regretted asking.

But there was no stopping her as all the worries that she has bottled up finally came rushing forth and she rambles on as Jackson listens.

"It's just that we had this huge fight last night because he was offered this practice in LA and he wants me to move there and I said some words that I shouldn't and he just flew back - "

She trails off as if realizing that she said too much.

And he had to rearrange his face and appear as if he was serious when all he really wanted to do was to let out a fucking giant smile.

"I'm sorry."

She apologized.

A blush now staining her cheeks as she evaded his gaze as her embarrassment of saying too much slowly starts to sink in.

"Hey, hey… don't be. It's okay."

He reassured her.

"Maybe, you just need to give him some time to let off steam."

She raises hopeful eyes at him.

As if his words were irrefutable and she lets off a little smile as she breathed a sigh of relief.

"You think so?"

And he felt a pinch in his heart as he looked down at her hopeful, upturned face because he remembers a time when she trusts him and tells him everything that's on her mind no matter how inane or absurd she thinks it is.

"Yeah, I think so."

He tells her with a warm smile even if what he really wanted to say was for her to just let Zach go.

That maybe they were not meant to be.

That he was here and he loves her and things would be so much better if they just break up and she goes back to him.

"Well thanks!"

Seemingly pacified, she gives him a brilliant smile looking so much like the April of old that it almost took his breath away.

So much so that when she turned away and before he can stop himself, he found himself saying…

"Would you like to grab a beer at Joe's?"

And after the words were out, there was a moment of silence between them.

April looking him up and down and biting on her lower lip as if she was purposefully deliberating on his offer .

"I mean, it's purely platonic. For old times sake. You seem as if you need a listening ear."

Jackson raises his hands in a gesture meant to reassure her that he's harmless in order for him to further push his case.

Because even if it's in a packed bar and they are meeting just as friends for drinks, he will take whatever crumbs he can get from her just as long as they can be alone and be together.

It took April awhile to answer and Jackson almost shouted for joy when he heard that it was in the affirmative.

"Sure."

She replied tentatively.

"Sure."

More surely this time around and she gives him a nervous smile as she looked up at him.

"I'm off at 9. Can we meet there then?"

She asked him.

And all he can do was to grin at her like an idiot and nod.

She almost let out a smile at that.

His excitement was painted all over his face and it does funny things to her heart.

"Great. Good. 9 it is then."

April turns around to walk away and as she does, Jackson pumps his fist in triumph in the air and April finally lets off the smile that she has been hiding all along the moment that Jackson asked her if she wanted to go out.


	10. Chapter 10

Owing mostly to the fact that it was a Monday and that most doctors of Grey Sloan were away in a convention for the day, Joe's was almost empty when April got there.

Scanning the room for any sign of Jackson, April felt her heart thump in her chest as her eyes land on him and as if sensing her presence, he turns around to give her a heart stopping smile and a small wave as he watches her walk over.

_What the hell is she doing?_

April thought to herself.

She slept with the guy despite the fact that she has a perfect boyfriend and now just because they had a fight, she is grabbing drinks with him as if it's that easy to forget that it even happened?

She feels like such a tramp and truth be told, she almost bailed out when she was changing in the lockers.

However, the emptiness that she feels was far even greater and even if she wanted to pretend that she doesn't, the fact remains that she misses Jackson terribly.

Not as her lover or the guy she used to date but as her best friend.

The one who's always willing to comfort her and listen whenever she feels lost, alone and miserable and heaven knows, that she is all those three right now and maybe even more.

Not so much because of Zach she knew but maybe because of that night that happened between them.

"Hey… I thought you wouldn't come."

He said to her with a smile as she sat uncomfortably beside him.

"Yeah. I almost didn't."

She whispered.

And his face clouds over at her honest revelation.

His brows furrowing together as he looked at her with his sea foam green gaze intently.

"Why not?"

He asked her.

She shrugs and Jackson's face darkens as her now familiar guilty look appears on her face.

He was reminded of a dozen other times after their boards when that same look managed to made him feel so small and worthless.

But now he thinks about her email and how much she loved him and he thought that it was her values that drive her to feel that way.

And he wished he knew better then the way he does now.

Maybe they would be happier and they wouldn't have wasted so much time being apart.

Living in regret and hurt and thinking about what could have been if instead they would have worked it out.

He lets out a sigh and he watches April as she takes a swig from her beer.

"It's just drinks."

He said and he turns to look at her and he gives out a rueful grin and April was almost breathless at the amount of emotion that she sees in his eyes.

"Jackson-"

She said breathlessly.

He cuts her off.

"For once, can we just not think about anything? Let's just spend a quiet night together. We used to be friends, let's just be that even just for tonight."

He looks at her with pleading eyes and as if to diffuse the tense situation, he grabs a menu before she can say anything and peruses it thoughtfully as he paints on a smile that doesn't quite seem to reach his eyes.

"Hmm… what should we have? You used to love the Lasagna here."

April whips her head to look at him.

_He remembers._

It's been years and to learn that he has retained the smallest details about her preferences touches her in a way that she cannot even understand let alone even begin to explain .

"Is it still good?"

He asks her.

Aprll stares at him and she whispers as she looks softly at him.

"It's a taste that you might have missed."

And as Jackson turns to stare back at her, in that moment, they knew.

They were not just talking about what kind of food she likes anymore but of hidden feelings that they have to keep and of unspoken words that they cannot tell each other.

"Have you ever thought about what if?"

Jackson asks her from out of the blue with his eyes on the floor as he plays with the label of his beer.

And she looks at him curiously.

"What if I didn't leave? We would probably be so happy now."

She gives out a small smile and he turns to face her.

"What if we meet again and you don't have anyone in your life? Will you still choose me?"

And April didn't answer him but she almost had to blink back her tears at the sincerity in his voice even if the circumstances make it appear as if they were just talking casually.

"I am sorry April."

Jackson continued.

"I know I already told you this but i have waited for three years to say these three words and so I am saying it again."

She opens her mouth to say something and he raises his hand to stop her.

"No. This time let me finish. I am sorry. I am sorry that I didn't tell you the truth. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I got scared."

He turns his seat so that they were talking face to face.

"I'm sorry for giving up on us."

He said softly.

And despite the ache in her heart she can't help but give him a sad smile as she looks at him tenderly.

Because despite what happened and how much she hated him, the anger was all gone.

There was only longing and regret and wistfulness over a life that they could have lived but didn't and now it seems as if it was too late for that.

"I'm sorry too."

And for the first time it was her turn to apologize.

"For making you feel as if I didn't care enough. For not seeing your fears and your needs. For telling you I loved you too late and not when you needed to hear it from me. "

And after a moment that they spent in silence just thinking about the past that they are now finally leaving behind, April reaches out her hand to him tentatively.

"Friends?"

And instead of shaking it as she expected him to do, he held them instead in his and he gives her a shaky smile as he replies.

"Friends."

And like perfect timing their orders arrive breaking the moment.

They started talking with hesitation at first as they eat.

Each feeling as if they were walking on egg shells as they rediscovered the ease and comfort of talking to each other without any negativity or blame or pointing fingers involved.

They talked and laughed about what they did and who they've met and what they have experienced as they pieced together every last bit of memory about a life that they have lived while they were apart.

There were stories upon stories of how they've ached and cried and pined for the other but there were also moments of triumph, laughter and growing up which they have done because of the circumstances sorrounding their falling apart.

And as the night wore on, they were like the Jackson and April of old.

The ones who were trusting and open and naïve before San Francisco even happened.

Even if not once did they talk about how up to now they still long for one another.

That the feelings they have rekindled the night they made love are lying dormant and buried in their hearts but that it is never forgotten.

By the time they finished talking, it was 3 AM and Joe was asking them to leave because they were the only people left in the bar and he has to close down.

They stood up to walk to the door with hesitation.

Their feet heavy and their hearts even heavier because there was magic in this bar where they sat and they never wanted it to end.

It was raining heavily when they stepped outside.

Large, torrential drops that make a rhythmic sound against the awning where they stood side by side in silence as they both relive in their heads the thought of how much fun they had for the night.

_It was more than Jackson could have asked for._

_It was everything that April thought she doesn't miss, but tonight have once again proven her wrong._

Her pager goes off shattering the quiet.

"Crap!"

She muttered under her breath as she reads through it.

Jackson turns to look at her, a worried frown creasing his brows.

"Anything the matter?"

She bites her lower lip and squishes her nose in exasperation as she shows him the text which reads 911.

"I have to go back and it's raining and we don't even have an umbrella!"

She whined cutely and Jackson couldn't help but smile.

"Ugh! My cars parked way over there!"

She pointed.

"What do I do now?"

She looks like a lost little girl as she looked at him as if for answers and he lets out a big grin as if he thought of something brilliant that would solve all of her problems.

"Then let's make a run for it!"

He shouts at her as he made himself heard over the sound of the rain.

"What?"

She looks at him as if he was crazy but before she can even utter another word of protest, Jackson grabs her hands and clasps it in his as they start to run hand in hand towards the bars open parking.

"Jackson!"

She squealed.

But those squeals quickly turned into giggles and as he turned his head to watch her, he can't help but smile widely back at her because this is the happiest that he's ever been in years.

Here in this moment right here.

With him rain soaked and her with her cheeks flushed and her hair all wet, their hands connected together as if it was fit to be there and nowhere else.

It was as if everything in the world was right.

As if they truly belonged together.

And as April turned to look at him, she was thinking the same thing.

It was like the past three years never happened.

It was as if it never existed.

They reached her car but Jackson still held tightly on to her hand.

They were chest to chest, their faces close together as they breathe heavily to catch their breaths and with his nose pressed against hers and his lips only inches away from hers, April whispers…

"I'd choose you."

Jackson felt his heart stop.

"If I don't have anyone in my life right now, right then when you came back, I'd choose you."

And she reaches out to touch his face tenderly.

"I'd choose you, Jackson"

She said with conviction.

With firmness.

Like she meant every single word of what she said.

She rises up on her tiptoes to give him a soft, lingering peck on the cheek before she pulls away and boards her car.

And Jackson watches her silently.

His feet rooted in place as she waves a last goodbye and his gaze doesn't leave her because even if she was driving away, this time he doesn't feel as if she was leaving him behind.

* * *

**_AUTHORS NOTE: So Chapters 9 and 10 of Dear Jackson was just supposed to be one chapter but i have to cut it into two parts to build up towards Chapter 10's ending._**

**_The good news?_**

**_Now you get to read two chapters. Huzzah!_**

**_As always reviews are love!_**

**_Leave a note please!_**

**_And allow me some selfish self promotion as i invite you all to read through my Japril one shot, My Love will Clothe your Bones if you haven't yet._**

**_You can see the link if you click on my name somewhere up there._**

**_Promise you'd enjoy it!_**


	11. Chapter 11

"Ugh! I thought that they'd never leave!"

April said with a chuckle as she pushes her kitchen door open with her hips, her arms laden with dirty plates and glasses while Jackson closely follows behind her bearing the same.

"I now regret hosting this welcome back party for you, mister! My poor couch has been danced on so much by Cristina and Mer, you owe me a new one!"

She told him mischievously with a giggle, her eyes twinkling teasingly while wagging her fingers at him for good effect and all that Jackson can do is to stare at her with a grin so wide on his face, he's sure he looks like an idiot.

A lovesick idiot, that is.

She looked more like sixteen than her real age.

With her oversized sweatshirt and bare face and haphazard ponytail with the loose tendrils that softly frame her smiling face, that in this moment right here, right now, in her messy, disheveled kitchen, Jackson can almost make himself believe that she's not engaged to someone else and that the years of anger and hate and longing between them did not even take place and that it never even happened.

The days following their night at Joe's have been surreal.

Even dream like perhaps.

She was back to being the April he knows of old.

The one who was open and natural and uninhibited and despite the repeated warnings that he has given himself to not get used to this, Jackson still feels that he just can not get enough.

_Of her._

Of days like these.

Of these moments when he can pretend that everything was fine between them and that she was once again his.

It does not help at all that after their big fight, her fiancee seemed as if he had simply dropped off from the face of the earth.

A fact that is not totally unwelcome to Jackson because in his absence, April and him have developed this new found friendship that may have started off a little awkwardly but which is now taking off from exactly where they have left off before the whole San Francisco debacle happened.

It was as if the moment that they apologized to each other, they opened this whole new dimension into their relationship that they have never explored before and now they are breathless with the wealth of their discoveries about each other.

They frequent Joe's after work often staying there and talking until the wee hours despite the fact that they have early surgeries the next morning.

They pull all nighters for the planning of the trauma center in the hospital conference room where he would take little breaks by just watching April quietly until she lifts her head up from what it is that she's doing to look and smile at him for a few seconds and that somehow makes the lack of sleep for him all worth it.

And then there were the times when he'd catch her napping in the on call rooms.

Those times when he'd sidle up to the empty bed next to hers with the intention of making up for his own lack of sleep but instead, he'd find himself watching her as she makes those cute, little grunting noises or scrunch up her face unwittingly and he'd feel his heart swell with so much love that it scares him shitless.

He can't help but think that her late email was both a blessing and a curse.

Three years ago, he ran away from her because he thought that he could not bear her rejection if and when it happens.

But when he received her email?

He once again opened himself up to the hope that they had a future together and now he's back to the same, exact position that he ran away from.

Because once again, he's one step too late and she's set to get married.

_Again._

He had apologized to her profusely.

He told her that he was a coward for not owning up to his feelings but truth of the matter is, he still is.

A coward that is.

He'd like to make himself believe that he had steeled himself from the hurt and pain when Zach comes around and when she'd tell him that they are just friends but just thinking about it is still enough to bring him to his knees.

_She is marrying someone else._

A fact that she has repeated to him over and over and no matter how much he tries to look at it, the odds are all stacked against him once again.

As if suddenly reading his thoughts, April turned around as she puts the last of the dirty dishes in her sink.

She stretches her hand over her head allowing Jackson to see a patch of her alabaster skin as her sweater rides up on her waist and Jackson swallows thickly as he remembered the last time when he ran his hands all over that creamy expanse of flesh.

His gesture was not lost on April.

She slowly lowered her hands and licked her lips as awareness starts to sink in that it's late at night and that they were both a little drunk and that they were all alone in her house.

"Aren't you going home?"

She asked him curiously.

Her brows knitted together and her heart racing furiously as their eyes met for a moment and she felt herself becoming breathless.

With much difficulty, April drags her gaze away from his.

She starts wiping off her kitchen counter as she organized her kitchen back to its original state to keep her mind off of him and his overpowering presence.

"Ummm… you can go home now… it's late… you still have to drive a long way and…"

Rushing forward, Jackson starts picking up cutlery and glasses from the room while April protests.

"Ummm… I'd just help you out… there seems to be a lot to… "

"NOOOO!"

April protested much too loudly as she almost jumped on him in panic.

She does not know if she can stop herself from jumping him if he stays there for another minute and so she wrestles the bread knife that he's currently holding away from him without giving much thought to what it is that she's doing until her eyes met his chest and she suddenly became aware of how close she is to him and that her hands were on his.

Their eyes met again.

Hers, nervous and wide, his, seductive and smoky.

April bows her head and lets go of his hands immediately as if he were diseased.

Making sure that she puts some distance between them as she turned her back on him to anxiously begin straightening up to cover up the restlessness that she's really feeling,

"AWWW!"

Jackson hollered in pain,

The knife he was holding clattering to the floor as he held up his index finger.

April whips her head around in concern as she saw Jacksons face contort with pain.

She immediately jumps to his side with worry, all thoughts of keeping her distance forgotten, her eyes full of care as she checked his hands for any sign of injury.

"Where are you hurt? HUH? Are you alright?"

She asked while turning his hands around tenderly, bringing it very close to her face as she checked for lacerations.

She felt Jackson shaking and she lifted her eyes to him.

But instead of a face full of pain, April saw an expression she rarely sees on Jackson, that of mirth as he lets out a chuckle as he watched her fuss over him,

April stares at him with her mouth wide open in surprise but before long, his infectious laughter rubs off on her and she was chuckling along with him.

Throwing his hand jokingly aside, April looks at him sternly.

"You think that's charming huh? You think you're charming, Dr. Avery?"

She said in a tone that was more sweet than admonishing.

Jackson covers his face with his hand before speaking.

"I just wanted you not to make a big deal about me trying to help. You were so tense that I felt as if you think I would run off with the silver. "

He said emphatically as if he really can't stand it and April looks at him for a moment.

A slight smile playing on her lips as she turned her back on him,

"And there you have it folks! Charming. Definitely charming."

She muttered under her breath.

"What did you say?"

Jackson asked in confusion as April faced him…

"Nothing. I said if you really wanna help, just bring those glasses here to the sink."

Almost bounding in excitement like a newly praised puppy at this sudden turn of events, Jackson picks up the rest of the dishes.

April stood with her back to him, her hands on her waist as she surveyed the mountain of plates, pots, pans and glasses that she had to wash.

Groaning in agitation, April puts on her dishwashing gloves as Jackson watched her with amusement.

"Can't you just leave that until your cleaning lady comes tomorrow?"

"What cleaning lady?"

She said with a face and he furrowed his brows in confusion.

"The cleaning lady who comes to clean up your house. I mean you're in the hospital almost 24/7. When do you even find the time to clean?"

She rolled her eyes sarcastically at him.

"Jackson, I have no cleaning lady. I FIND TIME. Not all of us were born rich zillionaires like you to afford a cleaning lady to look out after him."

He laughs at that.

April only brings out the Avery card when she feels like she's being a pompous ass and he admits that he was a little presumptous to assume that everybody lives with cleaning ladies just like his family does.

"Touche'!"

"Besides, I can't go to sleep knowing that there are dishes left unwashed in the kitchen or that my living room is a mess…"

She continued and shudders in disgust as if the thought has never even crossed her mind…

Jackson nods his head in understanding all the while looking at her pensively.

"You're really the type of person who sticks to something once you have decided on it, right?"

April looked at Jackson with a confused expression.

"Are we still talking about dishwashing?"

Jackson gives out a chuckle as he walked up next to her in the sink…

"Nah, forget I said anything. What if you wash and I'd dry?"

April stares at him doubtfully…

"YOU? Have you dried dishes before?"

He shrugged.

"Well, there's always a first time for everything. "

She looked at him thoughtfully. Her teeth chewing on her bottom lip as she weighed her decision pensively.

"Oh what the heck!"

She throws her arms up in the air before throwing the dishtowel at him which he deftly catches.

With a wide grin on his face, Jackson stood beside April as she plunged her hands into the water, drying the first piece of plate that she handed to him as if his life depended on it.

They stood like that for a couple of moments, her washing and him drying.

The silence unbroken with only the gushing water and the tinkling of the utensils heard across the room.

They stood with their shoulders almost touching.

Each lost in their own thoughts as mechanically they worked together and Jackson can't help but think if Zach and her will do this every night once they are married and he felt his heart squeeze at just the thought.

"Has he called you yet?"

He felt rather than saw her hands still for a moment.

He turned his head to look at her and he saw her eyes cloud over and his heart squeezed even more at how she seems to be really so affected by the fact that she has not heard from her boyfriend for the past week.

"Nope"

She said casually.

Pinning on a wide smile on her face to make herself appear unaffected but Jackson can see the sadness in her eyes and he can't help but wonder if she felt the same during all those time that they've been apart.

"Were you this sad too, then?"

He whispered quietly.

"I mean, when I left?"

And she stayed quiet for a few seconds that Jackson was unsure if she has heard him or if he went too far that she does not even want to answer his question.

"Worse."

And he can sense the pain in her voice despite the passing of years.

"Far worse."

She lifted serious eyes to stare at him.

"Because unlike today, I had no one."

She whispered so faintly he can barely hear her.

"When you left, my best friend also disappeared."

And she smiled at him and he can almost swear that there were tears in her eyes that Jackson felt himself once again wracked with guilt that he instinctively felt himself reaching out for her but he stopped himself.

"April -"

She shook her head and bowed to avoid his gaze.

Her hands focused on the dish that she's washing vigorously as if it was the be all and end all of her existence and when she raised her face again to once again look at him, there is now a wan smile on her face as she tells him-

"But bygones. That's now all in the past and there's no use crying over spilled milk is there?"

She laughs sarcastically.

"I seem to really have this unusual talent of scaring guys off and of making them feel sick and tired of me after a while. Don't you agree?'

"April-"

Jackson said breathlessly.

Despite the fact that she has made herself over and that she is now the successful, accomplished surgeon that she is, he now knows that there is still that part of her that is insecure and unsure and he wants to reassure her so badly that she is perfect the way she is.

He wants to tell her that there's no part of her that is unworthy of loving and that contrary to her belief, she is so deserving to be loved that he lost himself in that love and it left him in fear because it is _that_ all consuming.

"Maybe, I'm really just that. A stopover? Hmmm…. A bookmark perhaps? Something that you leave there to decide if you want to pick up a little later?'

She said with a self deprecating smile perhaps in an effort to make light of her situation but there was no denying the hurt in her eyes.

So even before she can say something more, Jackson was already grabbing her firmly by the shoulders so that she can face him.

"April - April, listen to me. _You_ are not a stopover. _You are not a bookmark._"

He said with emphasis that she had to turn her head to break away from his gaze because he is awakening long forgotten feelings and it's confusing her.

He cups her face tenderly in his hands that she had no choice but to fix her stare on his hypnotic eyes once again and she felt herself taking a sharp breath as she saw the sincerity in his gaze.

"_You_ are not a bookmark. _You_ are a book that's worth reading over and over and over again."

And she felt tears pouring forth from her eyes because she can feel how much he feels for herat that moment that unthinkingly she reaches out to him on tiptoes so that she can press her lips against his much to his surprise.

She kissed him tenderly.

Softly.

Her mouth filled with gratitude and love as she thanks him for coming back once again into her life

But when she wrapped her arms around his neck, it was then that she caught sight of the ring that Zach had given her and it brought her back to reality that she had to break away from him.

"I think - I think you should leave"

She said in a whisper as she pressed her hand against her lips.

"April -"

He said pleadingly.

"Let's just see each other tomorrow Jackson okay? Please?"

She cut him off and there was something in her eyes that made him agree.

There was a desperation in her voice that made him give a soft nod as she begged him to leave that he had no choice but to take his jacket and open the door but not before pressing a soft kiss on top of her head.

"You know what you want April. I'm just here."

And he paused for awhile as if unsure if he really should go but then she closed her eyes and took a shaky breath and he doesn't want to confuse her even further and so he leaves.

She closed the door and leaned on it for she doesn't know how long.

She feels as if she was sinking.

She was drowning because here she is once again on the brink of tossing away somebody who loves her and she doesn't know if she's ready to trust Jackson again.

Her doorbell rings and her heart races.

_He's back for her._

He's back and she doesn't know if she can continue resisting him.

"Jack-"

Her voice trails off because when she opened her door it was not Jackson waiting there for her.

Instead it was the familiar back of her fiancée, looking haggard and disheveled and weary and the moment that he saw her face, his face crumples and he collapses into great, heaving sobs as he hugged her tightly in his embrace as if she was the only thing that was keeping him from dying.

* * *

_**Authors Note:**_

_**Sorry for the long wait as real life got in the way.**_

_**Thanks for your patience.**_

_**As always, please remember to leave a note. It will truly make my day. :)**_


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